Emotional Eating…

Day three of the candida diet in progress here. I’ve not cheated at all. I’m weak and I was nauseous this morning, so much so that I had to lie down on the floor again. I think I needed food but to make it, I had to get up and I couldn’t right away.  I’m not sure how many calories I should be taking in each day, but I’m pretty sure I’m not getting enough. I’ll have to figure that out.

I mentioned in this post HERE that I’m finding there’s some grieving involved with giving up sugar. I had made one connection to it but was I surprised in therapy yesterday, when I discovered just how deep it went.

The mother used to buy and hide ju jubes (Gum drops).  I would swipe said hidden candy, she knew and found it funny. It became a “thing.” She bought more as I ate more. That was one of  the very few positive things between the mother and I. Ju jubes became a big time addiction.

That’s deep in and of itself but, this is what I discovered in therapy yesterday. The father controlled everything period. That meant the mother was not allowed to have ju jubes (Hence her hiding them).  When the father was home, we all (Including the mother) lived in fear, terror even. When the father was gone, there was relief and there was ju jubes, there was freedom to eat what we wanted without him knowing,

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

Food became not only relief, but a sense of safety, comfort and maybe even a little freedom from control (Or taking back some control). Candy and junk in particular. Letting go of sugar feels to me, like giving up my freedom, safety,comfort and for extra giggles, a sense of calm.

Letting go of this on its own isn’t painful, it’s what’s attached to it that hurts. 

This discovery, made me want break the addiction even more. I’d rather deal with the abuse and heal from it, than try to eat it away.

What life changing epiphany’s have you experienced?

There is hope.



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Day two of breaking sugar addiction and findings…

I’m now in day 2 of breaking my sugar addiction. Wholly cow it doesn’t take long to feel it. I woke up feeling really weak and like I had “jello” legs.  It was so weird. Silly me, then decided to do the hardest part of my daily workout before I got something in my stomach. I didn’t realize the weakness was hunger, I thought that it was withdrawal.

That put me on the floor for a while, so I wouldn’t pass out. Sigh. Mental note, eat before attempting a workout.

Last night I was craving stuff that I can’t have, but only because of the commercials on T.V. I’m staying away from T.V…lol

What I feel the worst right now is an extreme tiredness and weakness of sorts. I can’t fully explain the feeling on here. I’m somewhat zoned out too.

I want to address another thing that I have been totally surprised about going into this. There’s a grieving process involved. Somehow there’s an emotional attachment to food I had no idea of. I know it’s connected to my pas,t but I don’t know how. I can only guess it’s been comfort to me all these years of living through abuse. Now, I’m having to let go of that comfort.

It’s caused me some real sadness and anxiety.

Having said that, I’m more committed than ever to doing this now. I don’t want sugar addiction to be how I cope. I want to deal head on with any emotional issues attached to it and be free.

Despite the physical/emotional battle with coming off sugar, I’m finding a sense of accomplishment with every victory. Each victory helps propel me forward with my goal.

I’m somewhat excited to find out what life will be like without the addiction, and what food will taste like .I’m told that food will taste different and better including veggies. Right now, I really wish that the veggies I’m eating would taste more like candy! ;-)  They seem so flavorless.

To date, I have not cheated at all.


Guess what I’ll be talking to my therapist about when I see her later today?!

For those of you who have gone off sugar, what did you find most difficult?

There is hope!


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Breaking Sugar Addiction

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve been here I know. How dare life get in the way of blogging ;-)

I’m attempting something that scares the crap out of me, to be blunt. I hesitate to say anything lest I’m not successful at it. There is a chance I may not be.

I’m coming off sugar. I have a wicked sugar addiction and as a result, I’m pretty sure equally as wicked candida. Some of you may know what this is, and how brutal the candida diet is.  Basically I can have no breads, no fruits, no sugar, no dairy at all. That means I can only have organic meat and veggies at least to start.  Sigh

Here’s a list of 10 signs that you may have candida (This is only 10 there’s a lot more:

  1. Skin and nail fungal infections (such as athlete’s foot or toenail fungus) 
  2. Feeling tired and worn down or suffering from chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia
  3. Digestive issues such as bloating, constipation, or diarrhea
  4. Autoimmune disease such as Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Rheumatoid arthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Lupus, Psoriasis, Scleroderma or Multiple sclerosis
  5. Difficulty concentrating, poor memory, lack of focus, ADD, ADHD and brain fog
  6. Skin issues such as eczema, psoriasis, hives, and rashes
  7. Irritability, mood swings, anxiety, or depression
  8. Vaginal infections , urinary tract infections, rectal itching or vaginal itching
  9. Severe seasonal allergies or itchy ears, sinus issues and congestion
  10. Strong sugar and refined carbohydrate cravings

There’s a simple test you can do at home if you want to know if you have it.  Here’s the link to that test: http://www.candidasupport.org/free-home-tests/saliva-test/

It takes away every food that I love. What makes it a bit harder for me is that I have an “allergy” to garlic and onion  (Abuse related). So less flavours in the foods that I can eat.   Not only does this take away my comfort (Food is a comfort to me) but, it will likely hurl me into withdrawal like coming off any other addiction would.  It gets worse before it gets better. One can actually get quite ill, not to mention it affects emotions and anxiety. 

A Tidbit of Fact: Did you know that candida is linked to fibromyalgia? 

I’ve chosen to try this because, as some will know I’ve had an issue with my tongue. To say the least it’s painful. I think it’s thrush aka: candida.  The meds. the doc gave me haven’t helped at all. The doc never even told me what he thought it was.  My doc is away and will be for another 9 days which in total has been a month. So until he’s back, I’m doing everything that I can naturally to get rid of this.

The withdrawal scares me, it’s so powerful. My goal is to try, and if I’m not completely successful, at very least I will improve my eating habits for the better.

Why is it that healthy eating is so much more costly than eating crap?! We live in such a backwards world. 

Anyway, have any of you taken sugar out of your diet and if so, why did you make that choice?  Do you have any tips?  I’m open to any help I can get.

There is hope.







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Life and death…

Hubby and I got up this morning to the news that we almost lost one of our closest friends last night. What happened  was so surreal, that I thought my friend was joking at first. (She has a dry sense of humour and she’s hard to read at times.) Getting this news via text, I really couldn’t read her.

Anyway, these friends of ours are back in my home town so we can’t even be there (In person) for them.  That’s hard.

I’m still in shock.  I guess I should elaborate.  My friends are at their cottage. He went out canoeing in the icy waters. A sudden gust of wind hit and capsized his canoe. He was hurled into 35 degrees fahrenheit  water. He couldn’t get his canoe emptied and turned over.  He actually swam a quarter of a mile to an iceberg and managed to climb up. When he did, the burg broke in half and sent him back into the frigid water. Somehow he managed to find another iceberg and again climb up.

His wife happened to see him with her binoculars from the shore and called in rescue. Thankfully she was keeping an eye on him.  The chopper couldn’t find a place to land, so the rescue had to be by boat. When they got to him he was drifting in and out of consciousness. He had been immersed in the water for 15 mins.  It goes to show you how strong the survival instinct can be.

Our friends while not unscathed emotionally will be okay. He spent the night in hospital, and has some wicked frost bite, is still expelling water from his lungs but, he’s alive. He’s out of hospital and resting.

There aren’t words strong enough to describe how grateful I am that the worst didn’t happen. I love my friends.

It’s made me think hard about life. Am I making the best of it? Am I missing opportunities? What am I taking for granted?

Life can be taken in the blink of an eye and this was a sober reminder. It reminds me to stop, look around and see what I have to be grateful for. It reminds me that life is truly precious no matter how hard it is.  It reminds me how treasured my friends are to me.

Have you or someone close to you ever had a close call?  What did it teach you?

There is hope!


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Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been blogging as much. The reasons are two-fold. Life seems to have gotten busier lately, which maybe isn’t a bad thing in some ways. I’ve been out and about more now that the snow is gone, (On the roads at least).

The other reason is that I haven’t been doing great. It’s always been my tendency to hide when I’m not doing well. This is probably learned behaviour. It wasn’t safe for me growing up in an abusive religious family to show any form of emotion or feeling. The only thing I was allowed, was to wear the mask of perfection.  Meaning the only thing that I could show the world was that everything was fine, even perfect. I learned to shut down completely in front of the father lest I get a 5 hour lecture about how wrong I feel, how wrong everything about me is, his rage or both.

I was a burden to them.(It’s evident that they didn’t want me). I received that message loud and clear. Thanks to that, I don’t ever want to bring anyone else down or be a burden to them.  The real world can be harsh. I have removed my mask in a few instances to trusted friends, and got a bit more honest about the real me and my life, only to lose said friends.  Not everyone can handle it. In fact probably not many can.

I can’t help but think that if they can’t handle hearing about it, how do they think we survive living it?  I’m extra sensitive to this because I was surrounded by a grown up world full of denial, look the other way, sweep in it under the rug, pretend it’s not real. Yadda yadda yadda.  I lived this both in my family, and in the church.  You know what? It’s real. It’s everywhere. It’s killing people, and I’m not going to shut up about it any longer. I found my voice and I intend to keep using it.

Side track here: The church needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Stop being so damn religious and get real. Stop preaching and start loving. Stop judging and start loving. Stop sweeping things under the rug, start believing and loving. Stop the self-righteousness because you’re not. (End of rant). 

To stand up to the lies screaming in my mind, I’m saying here and now, that I’m not doing great right now. My physical issues are a real struggle, which surfaces it seems, a lot of other emotional pain. (Maybe it’s triggering.) Those who’ve followed me for a while will know that I don’t/can’t cry much.  It’s also learned behaviour, for the above reasons.

Twice this week (Once being yesterday) I’ve been a sobbing mess. When you mostly live numb, I guess this isn’t altogether a bad thing, but when you live numb, feeling is really intense. Feeling=pain.  It’s so crazy painful. After sobbing, I’m left utterly exhausted. I’m sure there are many who can relate here.

I have to struggle with my intense fear of going to the doc, with regard to my physical crap. That’s exasperated by the fact that my brand new family doc is away for a month. So to go, would mean I’d yet again have to see an unknown doc. It’s so tiring.

My fear is so powerful, that my blood pressure goes dangerously high when I go. This also comes from being abused by a couple of doctors.  I will hopefully at some point be working on that, and the neighbouring fears of the dentist and hair salons in therapy.  Gwak! (I know a fear of going to the salon when I’m a stylist). I can’t handle people getting that close to me, or the touch of stranger, or the mirrors. Part of why I haven’t worked as a stylist for years.

I digress…

All this to say that I’m sad, and hurting physically and emotionally. It’s  not always a bad thing to say it despite what my brain is telling me. I will be okay, but I’m not right now, and that’s okay too.

There is hope.









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What’s My Tune? #3


Gringa posted this with me in mind. When I listened to it, it made me cry. I have a new respect for Sinead and the stand she took despite her pain and being “boo’d.” Thank you Gringa!

Originally posted on AZ Gringa:

This is a recording of a performance by Sinead O’Connor at the Bob Dylan 30th Anniversary Tribute concert at Madison Square Garden in 1992.

Less than two weeks earlier, Ms. O’Connor had appeared on Saturday Night Live and performed an a capella version of Bob Marley’s “War”. At the end of the song she held up a photograph of Pope John Paul II and tore it into pieces as a way of protesting against the perpetuation and cover up of child abuse within the Roman Catholic church. She was met with utter silence.

Ms. O’Connor’s reception at Madison Square Garden was mixed. There were certainly cheers, but the booing nearly overwhelmed them.

Whatever you may think of her actions on Saturday Night Live, there can be no question that this is the very image of grace under pressure, of conviction, of a passion for speaking out against abuse (of which…

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Helping each other…

Save a home "twindaddy"

Save a home

This is going to be the last post that I do on this, but we are still trying to raise funds for Merry and her family from http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/  We’re trying to help them save their home.  We have 16 days left and we’re only half way to the goal.

If any of you can help, we have a fundraiser set up HERE. Again this is not meant to make anyone feel guilty. It’s simply an opportunity for those who would be able and want to give a little to help.

There is a bit of Merry’s story on the fund-raising site if you would like to know more.  No amount is too small. Thank you to all who have given.

Thank you in advance.

There is hope.



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