What’s My Tune? #3

behindthemask:

Gringa posted this with me in mind. When I listened to it, it made me cry. I have a new respect for Sinead and the stand she took despite her pain and being “boo’d.” Thank you Gringa!

Originally posted on Bleached Bone Valley:

This is a recording of a performance by Sinead O’Connor at the Bob Dylan 30th Anniversary Tribute concert at Madison Square Garden in 1992.

Less than two weeks earlier, Ms. O’Connor had appeared on Saturday Night Live and performed an a capella version of Bob Marley’s “War”. At the end of the song she held up a photograph of Pope John Paul II and tore it into pieces as a way of protesting against the perpetuation and cover up of child abuse within the Roman Catholic church. She was met with utter silence.

Ms. O’Connor’s reception at Madison Square Garden was mixed. There were certainly cheers, but the booing nearly overwhelmed them.

Whatever you may think of her actions on Saturday Night Live, there can be no question that this is the very image of grace under pressure, of conviction, of a passion for speaking out against abuse (of which…

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Helping each other…

Save a home "twindaddy"

Save a home
“twindaddy”

This is going to be the last post that I do on this, but we are still trying to raise funds for Merry and her family from http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com/  We’re trying to help them save their home.  We have 16 days left and we’re only half way to the goal.

If any of you can help, we have a fundraiser set up HERE. Again this is not meant to make anyone feel guilty. It’s simply an opportunity for those who would be able and want to give a little to help.

There is a bit of Merry’s story on the fund-raising site if you would like to know more.  No amount is too small. Thank you to all who have given.

Thank you in advance.

There is hope.

 

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A sense of safety…

The father was/is an abuser. He’s a viscous narcissistic/sociopath (What narcissist isn’t vicious?). He goes into rages out of nowhere, for no clear reason. His rages and behaviours were never his fault, (In his mind) they were always our fault, my fault. The kind of abuse he inflicts, leaves no physical scars, but they sure do leave gaping wounds that don’t heal like a physical one does. At least not without a lot of work.

I’m sharing this, because I’ve always known that his treatment of me has been my biggest struggle, over and above all the other abusers in my life. His messages of “not good enough,” “always wrong,” “I’m a burden,” (etc.) have been what I’ve carried with me my whole life. His voice screams so loud in my mind that it buckles me if I think about it. It screams over and above everyone else’s as they follow his lead.

In therapy a couple of days ago, it did just that. It buckled me.

The therapist and I were talking about ways to contain him and his voice in my mind. At one point, she suggested that I picture turning down the volume of his voice.  That thought alone, triggered me so fast and hard, that it surprised both “S” and I. She watched the transformation that I had no control over. She said everything about me changed/switched.  The look on my face, there was a jump, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk, and tears were streaming down my face.

All stopped in that moment, so that she and I could get me grounded. It took awhile. 

Once I was able to talk, she asked me what just took place. (In a sense she knew). She said it was a full-blown PTSD response. I had reverted back to a terrified little girl.  What she was asking, was what about her suggestion of turning down the volume of his voice caused the reaction.

I wasn’t sure right away, and  I had to think about it for a minute. That’s no easy task when in a triggered state, and still struggling to breathe and talk.

What happened was pure fear. We wouldn’t dare quiet the father if we wanted to survive. Not that he would kill us physically, but his wrath and his words sure killed us mentally,emotionally, spiritually and more.

“S” sent me home with a suggestion. I’m to try to find a way in my mind to contain the father, so that I can feel safe to work on things without him interfering in my mind.  She just named some ideas so that I knew what she meant.

Idea’s like, picture him behind plexie glass, or on a hamster wheel, somewhere he couldn’t scream at me. My response to her (I’m being 100 % honest here) was this…I can picture him in a casket or in the ground. I’m sure I’m not the only survivor who’s felt this way. It’s the only way to feel safe. There may be a revenge component to it (I’m not sure.) My first thought is wanting to feel safe.

However…

It’s not the way I’m going to choose to picture him. I’ve been working on coming up with something. To my surprise, almost nothing feels safe. If I try to contain him in something (In my mind) All I can see is how it would set of his rage further and I can hear him scream even louder, and spew more venom at me.

The father is a much bigger problem in my life then I even knew. (For the record he’s not been physically in my life for close to 4 years now.) This is the carnage he’s left behind in my brain (Hiccup).

I was talking to my Hubby about this last night, telling him that I can’t think of any way to contain him, that feels safe for me.

Until…

I suddenly pictured my Hubby standing in front of me facing the father. The father I believe is intimidated by my Hubby, not because of anything Hubby has said or done, but because my Hubby is 6 ft 8′ and the father seems to know instinctively not to say anything to me in front of him, or he will have my Hubby to deal with. He would “act” on his best behaviour when he was around my Hubby. One can only act so much though, Hubby saw how badly he treats the mother and me.

I’ve found a safe way for me to quiet the father. Who knew?! I like that my Hubby gives me that sense of safety. 

I hope that one day, the child in me will know that I’m safe, and I will no longer need to picture protection. I’ll just know I’m safe. For now, I’m grateful that I was finally able to find my way to some sense of safety,while I deal with the father and all the abuse of my past.

Do you have a safe place in your mind you go to?

There is hope!

 

 

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Self-Harm

I know what I want to blog about today, but trying to get it from my brain to this post, has proven to be somewhat of a precarious process.

It means admitting to still having a battle I would rather not have. I know that I’m not alone. I know that talking about it, brings it to light rather than allowing it to hide in the shadows. I want to educate a bit in the process, so here it goes.

I still struggle with the urge to self-harm. I still do to a degree.

There I said it. Annnd breathe…

I learned yesterday in therapy that self-harm is actually an addiction. It made sense to me, because I actually feel a pull to it. The longer I ignore the pull, the stronger it gets. When I give in, there is relief.

I can’t even tell you how long self-harm has been a part of my life. I started very young, before I even knew there was such a thing (If that makes sense). I was at least in primary school when I started. I could have been younger.

“S” (My therapist) said that while it can be a fad among teens today, the cool thing to do. (How sad). It is very much a coping mechanism for survivors.  For us survivors, it’s not cool or fun, it’s learned, its survival. Please don’t take that as encouragement to use it if you don’t. I’m working to stop it, and find new healthy coping tools.

Survivors, either live numb to cope with what’s happened to them, in which case self-harm allows us to feel something. OR, we feel so much pain that we can’t bear it, in which case self-harm takes our minds off of it for a time.  Our brain learns that self-harm brings relief, hence the pull to do it again and again. Stopping it triggers a PTSD reaction. It’s a vicious circle. I’d be remiss if  I didn’t mention that there’s also a pull to “*cut deeper” the next time.

*Cut deeper meaning whatever method one uses, to do it more extreme the next time.

It’s no different from any other addiction. For some drinking brings calm, for others eating calms, and still others, drugs…you get the idea. All of it by the way is self-harm just manifesting in different forms when done to extremes.

Trigger Warning Here

When I was a kid, I did a few different things. I tried to break my bones, I burned myself (Burning, I did into adulthood), and if I had an accidental injury, I would make it worse.

Into my adulthood, I would hack up my arms with sharp things. I don’t do that now.(Although the temptation is always there). I really can’t bring myself to say what I do. I’m not ready. (It’s not life threatening).

My family was not aware of what I did, but they wouldn’t have cared anyway. I know the mother was aware of self-harm existing though. I heard her say all time that “self-harm is just a cry for help.”  It’s too be ignored.

I remember thinking back then, that if it’s a cry for help, shouldn’t someone listen to that cry?!  There’s a reason.  Her attitude and that of the father’s sent me into hiding and shame about it.  It made me feel like I was just a baby, and a drama queen…

If someone had listened to my cries, I may have been able to stop.

Now, not without difficulty, I’m choosing to blog/talk about it. Not just for  me but for others. For those who don’t understand and maybe even mock it. For those who do, you’re  not alone.

I want to address one more thing. I mentioned above that some teens are doing it because it’s the “cool thing” to do. “S” said there are even suicide pacts going on in the schools that involve self-harm. because it’s “cool.”  Not because these kids are survivors, or have been traumatized in any way, just because they want to fit in. 

To that I want to say, that IT’S NOT COOL! It’s very dangerous. It’s life threatening. If anyone knows of this going on, then take a stand, tell an adult. If you care about your friends, don’t join in, or be an on looker, take action to help keep your friends safe. That’s what a true friend does. That’s the mature responsible thing to do. THAT’S COOL.

You may not think that anything bad can happen to you, or your friends. You may think it’s harmless. THAT’S A LIE. Think again.

You only have one life, that can be robbed in an instant. Please take care of it!  If you’re doing this to cope with abuse, talk to someone you can trust. There is help out there. You don’t have  to suffer alone. 

There is hope!

 

 

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Busy, busy ,busy…

I have a crazy busy day today. I got up early this morning, made Hubby’s lunch for tomorrow, and our dinner for tonight. I will soon take care of the dogs needs, then do my workout.

After that…I have to go to town and do the grocery shopping, and then I have a therapy session that goes an hour and a half.  Oh and I also have to pick up some food for the annual Volunteer Fire-fighters food drive.

Hubby is a volunteer Fire-fighter. I will be helping organize food after the food drive tomorrow.  I’m challenging myself a bit there.

Back to today…

By the time I get home from town, I will have put groceries away, run the dog, and feed the Hubby. I guess feeding the dog would be a good idea too..

Somewhere in there before I go to town, showering might be a good idea. Oh and eating some lunch too.

At some point I also have to bring myself to make doctors apt. I don’t want too!   You know my horrible phobia thing?!

Maybe this is the type of day you have every day, I don’t know. For me it’s overwhelming. I literally have to force myself to take one thought/step at a time, or “fred”shows up.  If I don’t keep “fred” at bay, it’s over.

I’ll fill you in on therapy tomorrow, if today’s stuff doesn’t run into tomorrow. ;-)

Are your days always busy? What do you consider a busy day?  Do you get overwhelmed?

There is hope.

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Redbubble photo’s

Hey you guys I now have some of my photography up on Redbubble. I’d be honoured if you were to go have a look see and pass it along!!

Thank you in advance. :)

Here’s the link!  http://www.redbubble.com/people/arthearts

 

There is hope!

 

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I haven’t forgotten…

I just wanted to let you all know that I haven’t forgotten about you. I take the weekends off of posting Our weekends are usually busy and I like to spend the time with my Hubby. Today…well you could say that I have writers block.  Or it could be that I just am not able to blog about anything abuse related today.

I’m feeling somewhat raw. To be honest, I don’t want to feel.  Some of you will know what that’s like.

Did you have a good weekend?  Share with me one good thing that happened over your weekend. I’d love to hear from you.

For me, it was going out for dinner to celebrate my Hubby’s Birthday. :)

There is hope.

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