Narcissism and Nephews

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Oil on canvas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Those who have followed me for some time will know that I have had to completely remove myself from my abusive family.  The father and sister being narcissists and the mother follows suit to survive it.

Whilst I know it is the best thing for me and my recovery, it’s also painful.  I don’t long for them particularly, I long for what I wish I had in a family.  I can often hear the negative venom being spewed about me from them, in my mind.  I’ve come to learn that what they say and think about me isn’t true, yet the very fact that I know they are saying and thinking awful things about me hurts.  It’s so unjust.

Tonight I received a huge gift; the gift came with pain I didn’t expect.  I got to spend a significant amount of time Skyping with my precious nephews.

After making the gut wrenching decision to remove my sister from my life, I didn’t know if I would have a chance to see or talk to them again.  That is what made the choice so painful.

A few days ago I decided (and not easily) to contact the sisters ex and ask him if I could Skype with them while he has them.

He agreed.  All I said to Mr. X (Sisters ex) is that the sister and I are not in contact.  I didn’t offer more, and he didn’t ask, but I’m sure he could figure it out, unless he sees me like they do, (That is likely) in which case it will be drama I caused in his mind.

I cherished every moment I got to spend with them tonight.  My heart aches deeply at the same time for all the things I miss with them, for how abuse indirectly affects them.  I wonder how long it will be until the sister and father start to fill their heads with lies about me.

I wonder when they will start asking questions or if they already have.  I soaked in the time with them, knowing that there’s a possibility it could be the last time or a matter of time before they’re taken from me.

Narcissists hit below the belt, they go for the jugular.  They will use whatever hurts you most to rip out your heart.  After they have your heart in their palm, they drop it and step on it.  As it lies in a bloodied mess on the ground, they turn and make it your fault.  “It’s your fault I crushed your heart.”

It’s only a matter of time before the sister finds out, if she doesn’t know already.  I figure it won’t take her long to put a stop to this, to hurt me.   She won’t see that she’s hurting her own children in the process.

Narcissists don’t see that their hurting their own children, all they can see is what they want.  They believe their own lies of what is best…It’s always what’s best for them.

It makes me sad that two innocent boys are raised in this, and their grandfather is the same. I’m sad because there’s so much I’m missing out on, and to top it off, it’s my fault in their minds.

Sometimes I just wish I could scream at them.  I wish I could tell them what I see, what I think and feel.  I wish they could know that I really do love them and that I long for something different, something better.

Sadly I know that will never happen.

So tonight, I will cherish with a smile, the gift of time with my nephews that Mr. X allowed me.

There is hope.

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22 responses to “Narcissism and Nephews

  1. Keep hopeful that talking to you and seeing and sensing how you feel about them that they will hold those thoughts in their minds no matte what is said possibly in the future….God works in mysterious ways….Diane

  2. I am so sorry. So sorry. Such a painful and heartbreaking situation. You have to hope that when they are old enough to make up their own minds, they will remember that you were always a nice person to them, and sadly by that time they will be aware that their own parents aren’t all that great
    My mother did this to my dad. She cut him off from us, made it impossible for him to see us, and always told us he was a bad person, to be scared of, dangerous, made kidnap threats, etc. I didn’t meet my dad again til I was about 21, but that was because he realised I had not lived at home for a while and got back in touch with me. I had nothing to lose by giving him a chance – by that time well aware of how toxic my family was, and that I couldn’t trust anything they would have me believe, I was determined to make up my own mind based on FACTS. I’m glad I did, because he was a wonderful man. And your nephews will, too, someday give you a chance and be capable of making up their own minds.
    would your family give them birthday and christmas cards and gifts from you? That’s one way our dad stayed in our minds without having too much involvement with our mother over the years.
    Sending warm hugs and I’m so sorry, hang in there xxx

    • I’m so sorry your mother did that, but really happy to heart you were able to meet your father and know he was a good man. what a precious gift that would have been!

      I really hope because of the memories I did create with them before the move and these skype times, they will know I truly love them.

      I thought about sending them gifts but I didn’t know how it would got with the sister. She wouldn’t block them I don’t think.

      Maybe I can send them to Mr. X’s house instead. Even when I lived near them, the sister would make demands of me in regards to babysitting my nephews…her demands were hard on me. I feel trapped babysitting and she didn’t get that.

      When I would go to visit her and the boys, she would take off and leave me with them.

      While I love them, I had that trapped feeling. So in a round about sense she sabotaged things.

      I’m not sure how it will look from here. Sadly as you know, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t with them.

      Sending you warm hugs too. Thank you xo

  3. You do a great job of capturing the ongoing effects of narcissistic behavior. It doesn’t just stop when the person is no longer directly involved in your life and it affects other innocent people.

  4. I’m so sorry that you are in this situation, but also glad that you got to spend some very valuable time with your nephews xoxoxo

  5. I’m sorry you’re going through all this pain. It’s bittersweet getting to talk with your nephews I’m sure. Hopefully it won’t be your last chance though. Narcissists are certainly capable of twisting/distorting reality to their preferences! I feel sorry for your nephews having a narcissistic mother. Mine never gave me unconditional love so I was left feeling I had to “earn” love from people. It hurt a lot. Is their father in their life much? It helps to have at least one semi-decent parent!

  6. So sorry, I have a half sister who has been told neg. things about me, I don’t know anything about her, families can be soo cruel! I hope the boys do remember the times with you, and your ‘goodness’. Thinking of you, sending you love, and hold on to hope. I kind of believe in ‘what comes around, goes around’, I hope as the boys grow, they can make up their own minds up, knowing inside you are a wonderful, giving person.

  7. I’m so sorry your in this situation, but I think they’ll remember you loved them, and who nows, maybe you’ll get more chances to see them through skype, maybe even see them in person one day, remember love is a strong energy!

  8. I am so sorry about all of the heartache… I hope that you are able to maintain some connection with them- for their sakes as well as yours…

  9. When children are involved it complicates everything. I see where you love and miss them dearly. I truly believe you can keep in touch with the boys by keeping an ongoing relationship with Mr. X. He is Mr. X for a good reason. He does understand your situation! Ask him when he has the boys and what time is good for you to skype them.

    I’ve been in a similar situation. Broke off contact with my younger sister, but I longed to continue contact with my niece and nephew. Nephew is now 18 1/2 and my niece 16. The only way I can find out about them and attend school functions was through Mr. X and his new wife. They’ve been terrific.

    The step-mother takes great care of the children. My sister hates this, but I do what I need to do to keep in touch with the children. It’s all about them … it shouldn’t be about the adults! June 2012 our nephew graduated from high school and I attended all the functions. I didn’t feel out-of-place! Mr. X has a great family now … and he’s married to someone who offers the children a healthy upbringing. She’s a first grade teacher. My sister is a nurse!

    I know what you mean about lies. I wonder how much my niece and nephew are believing and I’m praying they are resilient. I’ve heard some of the lies and that’s what makes everything so hard. You know the truth and honesty and someday these young boys will need to figure out what the real story is. There will be her story and the real one and they’ll have to figure it out. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair, but they are blessed to have an Aunt like you! Set up times to visit with these young boys. It isn’t their fault!

    There is sunshine in this world. You bring sunshine to these little boys hearts. Pursue a relationship with them through Mr. X. It may dig up harsh crap, but you can tolerate anything when children are involved. Ignore the sister, I just spent the past week with my nephew as he had 4 hour kidney surgery! As I nurse I tried to teach pain management as a preventative measure. That really went over big! I can only imagine the crap going on and the lies. I was there for my nephew, not for anyone else! These lies hurt to the core, and I pray someday they will see past them.

    On the other hand, I have 3 adult nieces brainwashed by a brother. If only they knew the truth! That’s why I feel as though I will write my story on Monday’s to put the truth in writing. It helps me tremendously. Take care and stay safe. Edie

    • I’m so sad to read that you’re going through the same thing. It’s so painful I will fight to stay in contact but there is a strong possibility the sister will find a way to put a stop too it. She doesn’t see that it would hurt her boys too.
      Mr X was great this time, but he’s not innocent in regards to their marriage and as a result, he may end up listening to her, if she decides she doesn’t like this. It’s sad that’s it’s always the victims that get the raw end of the deal, lies are told about us and false beliefs…I guess that’s what abusers do. My sister although abused too was the favoured child so she was raised to basically see me as a piece of crap. Anyway like you say, I hope the boys will always know that I love them.
      I’m so glad you’ve managed to maintain contact with your nieces and nephews! I’m also glad they have a good family!

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