Those who have followed me for some time will know that I have had to completely remove myself from my abusive family. The father and sister being narcissists and the mother follows suit to survive it.
Whilst I know it is the best thing for me and my recovery, it’s also painful. I don’t long for them particularly, I long for what I wish I had in a family. I can often hear the negative venom being spewed about me from them, in my mind. I’ve come to learn that what they say and think about me isn’t true, yet the very fact that I know they are saying and thinking awful things about me hurts. It’s so unjust.
Tonight I received a huge gift; the gift came with pain I didn’t expect. I got to spend a significant amount of time Skyping with my precious nephews.
After making the gut wrenching decision to remove my sister from my life, I didn’t know if I would have a chance to see or talk to them again. That is what made the choice so painful.
A few days ago I decided (and not easily) to contact the sisters ex and ask him if I could Skype with them while he has them.
He agreed. All I said to Mr. X (Sisters ex) is that the sister and I are not in contact. I didn’t offer more, and he didn’t ask, but I’m sure he could figure it out, unless he sees me like they do, (That is likely) in which case it will be drama I caused in his mind.
I cherished every moment I got to spend with them tonight. My heart aches deeply at the same time for all the things I miss with them, for how abuse indirectly affects them. I wonder how long it will be until the sister and father start to fill their heads with lies about me.
I wonder when they will start asking questions or if they already have. I soaked in the time with them, knowing that there’s a possibility it could be the last time or a matter of time before they’re taken from me.
Narcissists hit below the belt, they go for the jugular. They will use whatever hurts you most to rip out your heart. After they have your heart in their palm, they drop it and step on it. As it lies in a bloodied mess on the ground, they turn and make it your fault. “It’s your fault I crushed your heart.”
It’s only a matter of time before the sister finds out, if she doesn’t know already. I figure it won’t take her long to put a stop to this, to hurt me. She won’t see that she’s hurting her own children in the process.
Narcissists don’t see that their hurting their own children, all they can see is what they want. They believe their own lies of what is best…It’s always what’s best for them.
It makes me sad that two innocent boys are raised in this, and their grandfather is the same. I’m sad because there’s so much I’m missing out on, and to top it off, it’s my fault in their minds.
Sometimes I just wish I could scream at them. I wish I could tell them what I see, what I think and feel. I wish they could know that I really do love them and that I long for something different, something better.
Sadly I know that will never happen.
So tonight, I will cherish with a smile, the gift of time with my nephews that Mr. X allowed me.
There is hope.