Light
Zoe G.
Gaslighting is a term that has come up in my world lately, I don’t really know why but I can guess it’s because I was meant to learn about it. If I hear a term more than once and don’t know what it means, I gotta research it…especially when I’m hearing it in relation to narcissism.
From what I’ve read, the father was an expert at this particular craft (Can call it that?)
If there are those who read this like me, that aren’t sure what gaslighting is, here’s a bit of an explanation. (It’s abuse)
It is an attempt by one person (the narcissistic abuser) to erode another person’s (the victim) reality. It’s done by convincing the victim that what they feel or believe to be true really isn’t true.
Narcissists are experts at this. (If you are a narcissist reading this, I didn’t say you are an expert, it’s not a compliment). They twist everything to make it the victims fault. They will have the victim believing themselves to be crazy, a control freak, a drama queen…(Etc.) They are so good at it that they can have us believing that we are the abusers, when all the things they’ve managed to convince us of, is really what they are.
It causes one to doubt everything they know to be true; every thought, feeling action, idea and passion. The narcissist could flat-out lie, abuse, cheat, steal… (You name it) and convince you it was all your fault, and have you apologizing by the end. You’re then left wondering what just happened and how it went so wrong…or where you went so wrong.
The father did this often, he refused to take responsibility for his actions. One common theme is tears. I would call the father on his bad behaviour and he would begin to cry, giving me some sob story about why he behaved that way, usually adding in how it was my fault, and I would end up trying to comfort him, while apologizing for my “sins” and having said anything.
It made me feel stupid, because I fell for his lies often, I would come out after, shaking my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and how I managed to allow myself to be manipulated again.
Other methods the father used where rage/anger, fear, being an authority figure, intimidation, “sickness”…you name it they come up with it.
In another post I’ll have to share one of my stories of how the father manipulated me with this gaslighting technique.
I’d like to believe that I would never fall for it again, but they are so good at it, (Not something to be proud of narcissists.) I can’t be certain.
Do you have a story in this regard?
There is hope!
Gaslighting Ive never heard the term before.Thankfully ive never truly had to experiance the full effect of narcissitsic abuse. Mine was always very straight forward.
Any abuse is awful and I’m sorry you lived through it too.
Gaslighting sure brainwashes you to think you a horrible crazy, ugly messed up human being.
Well thats messed up,id almost rather have somebody lock me in the closet
you had that happen?
that’s messed up too if someone did that to you.
I had a baby sitter in the neighborhood when I was 8 that took money from my dad to watch my brothers and I.A couple in their 40′s very “white trash” beer gut dirty undershirt porn gross guy. They would smile and make nice as we got dropped off then once the doors were locked they would seperate the boys and I and lock me in the tiniest of crawl spaces for hours, basically the whole night.If i was really lucky they would lock my brother in a different closet with me so I could comfort them. It took months of this before my step mom finally realized we werent lying. They “fake” dropped us off and came back unannounced and came back with the cops and took those fuckers away. Not that im bitter LOL
wholly crap that’s awful, it must have been terrifying for all of you. confusing in so many ways. i’m so sorry this happened.
or better yet the COUNTLESS wodden spoons and rulers ive had literally broken over my ass as a kid. Or maybe the hundreds of unattended hours I spent growing up. Sorry I guess im a bit sensitive today.
Much love Happy monday to you,pup and Hubs.
off to PT
please don’t be sorry, you’re not the one who needs to apologize…that’s what they try to convince you of. what happened to you was wrong and never should have been.
Hi, thanks for letting me vent a bit on your site, things with insurance company and disability are getting fiesty and im under a tremendous amount of stress.
(((((((hugs)))))) because its free hug monday.
any time Benny, i really mean that! i’m sorry they’re giving you such a hard time. i really hope it works out for you!
((hugs)) back
This is a ploy to make you feel crazy!
it worked for many years but not anymore. i’m sorry you lived it too. if only they could look at themselves…
Lived it most every day for over 10 years. Narcs are brilliant at gaslighting because “normal” people are so repelled by the idea that we wouldn’t consider using it against someone we hated, much less someone we profess to love and we assume that others would not stoop so low, either. We are wrong – it’s one of the strongest weapons in the Narc Arsenal!
i agree, it’s awful. i’ve only been realizing in the last two years that i’m so brainwashed to believe so many lies and vicious things. i’m working on breaking that now, but that’s tough after growing up with it. then if you take a firm stand on what you know to be true, you either get beaten or become the outcast of the family. i’m so sorry that you lived with this for 10 years! i’m glad you don’t anymore!
There is just no winning after you’ve been gaslighted – it erodes any sense of Self you ever had and makes you question yourself forever more, first to check if you’re sure, then to check to see if being sure is a product of previous gaslighting. Your gut reactions get totally skewed. I hope you are able to recover and trust yourself again. I’m so angry right now that anyone who even hints at “his” way of thinking will get the rough side of my tongue with absolutely no filter
Makes life interesting, to say the least.
that’s exactly it. it really sucks. i was subjected to it for over 30 years, it is a lot of work and i have a long way to go, but i’m not giving up!
i was like that too, under the mindset that no man is ever going to treat me like that again, and when poor Hubby and i got together, he had a “taming of the shrew” situation…i’m learning there’s a balance…
interesting is a good word…lol
I heard of gas-lighting from this article I read a while ago http://www.shiftjournal.com/2012/01/06/the-sad-art-of-gaslighting/
When I read up on it I realized how I had not only had people do this to me, but I continued to end up in different types of relationships that operated in this. I had no idea that there were emotional manipulators or that I had been abused in my relationships until the last few years. I thought it was wrong and that I should not be treated in those ways, but I was unsure.The methods they used made me doubt all of my “gut” instincts.
Things in my life made so much sense after reading about this. I have pieces that I am still pulling together. Yay! For healing, progress, and knowledge! Thanks for posting this. I should reread about it.
I’m sorry you’ve been party to this, but so glad to hear you’re on to them now!! These people are so vicious, they brainwash…I’m only in the last two years coming to a realization that I’m not at fault and working on breaking all the ingrained lies.
Thank you for sending the link, I’m off to read it!!
The only saving grace for you and others who have experienced this ,,is that sometime, somehow you began to know that it wasn’t right and then having the help of those close to you…to affirm your thoughts….Diane
exactly, i’m still trying to break the lies. you become the outcast and the attacks become worse when you take a firm stand on what you know to be true.
Yes, narcissists have a way of taking residence into your head like a brain cancer. The lies and truth get twisted into one tissue so you cannot pull them apart.
that’s totally it, and leaves us completely confused about what is true.
Yes, years and years later. It’s just sick.
it really is. at least we’re on to it, if we are aware we can overcome it with work!
just when I think I have overcome… the next day my mind is all muddled and doubts rise up again… did I give her enough chances? … could more counselling have helped? on an on
oh boy can i relate, “am i doing the right thing by not allowing them in my life?” “am i just being a drama queen?” “is it all in my head or was it that bad?” i have to remind myself of the abuse so that i can keep the firm stand.
Yes, it isn’t enough to educate yourself. You also have to keep reminding yourself of what really happened. For some reason our hearts soften with time.
it’s a battle but one that can be won.
I suppose that is what emotional support is all about… some kind of recovery… it would be nice if one day it could actually become full recovery…
that it is and oh my goodness what a wonderful thought, full recovery!!
Hi, I don’t think i’ve ever heard that word before, but I can imagine narcissists are very good at doing that! Thanks for the new word anyway. All the best
hi, yes fairly new to me too. you’re welcome
I had heard of gaslighting before & my parents practised it quite a lot. With my mother it’s tears & with my father it’s anger. They kept making me feel like everything was my fault. If I was better behaved I wouldn’t get hit, etc.
that’s exactly it, it’s so cruel and i’ll bet it still strongly affects you today
Oh & I forgot – because corporal punishment was so prevalent when I was growing up, another of their excuses was “they were only doing what everyone else was doing.” But they took it way too far! And will not admit it!
oh yes they “justify” all their actions, but they’re wrong.
Great post! This is my mother’s big one! She says something really cutting and then when I tell her later that it was mean and hurt me, she insists she never said it and will not under any circumstances admit it! When she said, “it’s good your daughter is such an easy baby, because if she had been more difficult, you wouldn’t have been able to handle it”… she denied ever saying anything like that. I realised something about this though. I substituted YOU with ME in the phrase (as if she was saying it about herself) and I can’t remember if it was you who told me this or My Mending Wall, but by doing this, I realised that it made sense, because my older sister was a fussier baby and my mother had a breakdown when she was 6 months old. She couldn’t handle it and wants that I am not better or more capable than her. I feel for her in a way. I still think she shouldn’t have said it though and it did take me 3 months to realise this.
That’s horrible and makes me sad that she hurt you like that. I think it must have mymendingwall that told you that but what an incredible way to look at it…it’s like an “ah ha” moment! it takes all the blame off ourselves…wow! it really does make sense that they are really talking about themselves.
thank you for sharing this!!
That’s probably the worst she’s said, but I have to admit that thinking that all she says might actually be about her puts it in a different perspective. It’s helping me (slowly) feel better about myself. definitely worth a try!
it’s a great idea. thankfully they are fully out of my life, but i still have the messages playing in my mind. i will try it. xo
I came across this article, http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-“crazy”, on gaslighting while doing research for my novel. Now I see it being used everywhere against women. When I am being made to feel crazy for being upset about something, I try to step back and concentrate on the facts. Actions and facts don’t lie.
i read the article, thank you for sending it, that’s exactly it. i’m so glad you’re aware of it and can step back and realize your truth.
What an insightful article! I think when we are told how we should feel often as children, eg. “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”, “stop being so sensitive”, “you have no sense of humor” – it makes it easier for people to pull this kind of crap on us as we grow older.
totally, i didn’t dare think for myself, or have any opinions,thoughts,feelings,ideas of my own or there was hell to pay. i only learned to start thinking for myself in my 30′s
I really couldn’t start thinking for myself (without rebellion as a motive or gaslighting as an excuse) until after I divorced my family.
it seems to be the only way to begin to recover is to get away sadly. i can gaslight too, (learned behaviour) Hubby is on to that and doesn’t let me get away with it, i don’t even know i’m doing it until he starts standing his ground.
Until you wrote this article, I didn’t realize hubby is doing it to me too! It causes a lot of arguments between us because there are times when I call him on it.
unhealthy comfort zones eh? Hubby and i don’t argue as much as we used to but they are usually doozies when we do, we trigger each other.
My family are so talented at Gaslighting.
I wish I’d stumbled across your blog and met you years and years ago – all the self doubt, all the examining my own memory to try and figure out if there was something wrong with me that I got so mixed up/wrong etc. Butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths all the while they spun their lies. I’m so glad I know now. I’m glad you are passing it on. Knowledge is power – the truth sets us free.
love and hugs xxx
i’m so so sorry sweet Fiona.
you’re right though the truth sets us free. xo
I’ve never heard it referred to in these terms, but that is exactly what bio dad does to the kids. The sick bastard turns everything around to make himself the victim. He’s even gone so far as to call me the abuser now. Right!
He keeps the children feeling guilty. Whatever he does is always somebody else’s fault. It’s a sick cycle that we are working to end.
it is sick, and sadly never ends…the only way is to have them completely removed from your life, but i know that’s almost impossible when kids are involved…even when they are removed, your mind is still convinced of the lies, so then we have to battle our minds for the truth…it’s horrible.
just for the record you’re not the abuser, it doesn’t hurt to keep hearing that!
I’ve never heard this term before but it sounds so familiar… An argument breaks out, he made me feel bad, and I was the one apologising, when it was definitely not my fault! It’s amazing how people can have the power over one another to actually convince them in this way.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but there is hope! 
xxx
i’m sorry you did too, it’s brainwashing and manipulation, abuse…they are clever