She’s back and it breaks my heart…

Yesterday was not a fun day to say the least. I was once again contacted by my narcissistic sister.  A little background for those that don’t know. She abused me once to many times and, I had to make the painful choice to remove her from my life.  Just because someone is blood, doesn’t mean we have to allow their abuse in our lives.

Back in November the sister decided to ignore my choice and text me to wish me a Happy Birthday. I agonized over whether to respond or not. I chose to simply say. “Thanks.” And that’s it.  It’s  turned out to be a big mistake. You see with narcissists, they do not respect boundaries. You give an inch, they take miles. The need to control coursing through their veins, and when it’s taken away, they will do whatever it takes to get it back.  They’ll stoop to levels you can’t imagine unless you’ve been there.

At Christmas, the sister once again texted me to wish me a Merry Christmas. I agonized again over what to do. I chose to say it back. And that’s it. She then texted to say that she hoped I had a good holiday. I ignored the second text because now she’s pushing. All the while she’s building her case against me. She is preparing her attack.  You can probably see how she could make it all my fault.

Narcissists will steam roll over everything and everyone to get what they want. They don’t care who they hurt in their wake. They will even use their children as pawns.  If someone is no longer of use to them, they will dump that person like a hot potato. I’ve watched the sister do it, and I’ve watched the father do it.

That’s where I am with the sister now.  She once again texted me yesterday, this time to tell me that the kids (my nephews) have a snow day and can I Skype with them.  Again, I agonized over what to do. How do I say “no” to talking to my nephews? I adore them. She had me over a barrel and she knew it. If I said no, she would make sure the kids knew that their aunt didn’t want to talk to them.

They make everyone else the bad guy.

So…I scheduled a time and I Skyped with my nephew.  The weird thing is that one of the nephews didn’t even show up for the chat. He hasn’t talked to, or seen his Aunt in a long time and a chat is scheduled and he’s outside playing in -35 degree weather?  Do you find that weird or is it just me?

The sister, stayed out of the Skype call we didn’t see or talk to each other but…

I knew full well she would be listening to the entire conversation.  You know control, the need to know and monitor, and build her case further?  So knowing she would be eavesdropping, I planted a couple of tidbits of information. In other words I shared some info with my nephew. (Obviously nothing major and kid safe)

After the Skype chat, it wasn’t long before I got a text from the sister thanking me for talking with my nephew. Then she proceeded to ask me about the very information I planted.

Can you say BUSTED?!  She so was listening in.

I ignored her question because it was none of her business, and I was not going to allow any further conversation.  A little while later, she texted again and said, “Sorry for asking forget the question.”  Either she realized her mistake, or she was trying to make me feel bad.

Feel horrible I did. (She does not know that)

I sobbed after. I hate that it’s this way. I hate that they see me as the cause of all this. I hate that my nephews will believe that I’m at fault. It hurts like hell. I wonder if the nephew that didn’t show up is already hurt or hurting over this.

From here on out, I will no longer be having any contact with the sister. I can’t and that makes me sad, but I have to look out for myself, my heart and sanity.

My nephew now has a Skype address he can contact me at when he wants to, and I told him he’s welcome too. He does not need his mother to help him Skype with me.  I’m guessing it will happen rarely if at all.

I wonder if the sister’s next attempt at contact will be her attack on me.  If it is, she will be sorry that she ever went after me but, so will I.

She would  have to deal with my husband not me.  They haven’t talked since the last time Hubby had to stop her attacks on me over 2 years ago.

As much as it hurts, I have to stand my ground here.

There is hope!

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131 responses to “She’s back and it breaks my heart…

  1. As painful as that must be, hell yes! Stand your ground. In no way in this relationship are you the bad guy. And if possible, let her messages go to straight to delete without being read.
    Hang tough. You’re worth better than that.

    • Thank you, I wish I were wrong with what I knew would happen but history has taught me. Her subtle attack has begun through another text this morning. I may need to think about changing my cell number. :(

  2. Hey, sweetie, you know what? You are doing okay now. Try to let go of a few of those memories, those ‘I did this and she did that and so on’ stuff, because it just clogs up the head. Where you are now is fine, and what you decide now is good. Nothing else matters. Take care! xxx :-))

  3. Oh no. I am so sorry you had this happen, even sorrier that you expected this to happen and she didn’t prove you wrong to show she was changing.

    I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can say is stand strong, lean on your husband and ((hugs)).

  4. Your decision to let your husband talk to her if she contacts you again is likely the best decision… Hope you’re starting to feel better today… Diane

  5. I’m sorry that your pain is not over. I think that you’ve done everything right. I wish that I was as strong as you.

  6. Sorry, Zoe. (hugs) Doing the right thing often hurts, and that absolutely blows.

  7. Melanie

    Two texts from her already today? Ugh. Can you turn off your cell until Hubby gets home? I’d offer to throw a bag of flaming dog poop at her door for you, but with this weather the heat from the flame may actually be welcome…
    Keep your head up. Maybe go out and distract yourself with some photography, or hold your snake. Anything to keep your mind off that phone and what texts are coming in. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.

  8. So sorry to hear all of this Zoe. But you are stronger than you think you are. xxx

  9. Just don’t let it break your heart for too long. Too many of us love you.

    • Thank you, I hope I can now regroup and recover from it. I have since changed my cell number so she can no longer contact me but I still have access to my nephews as long as she doesn’t try to get to me that way now

  10. Stay strong and don’t give in to the urge to fight back. I have to do this with most of my family. I feel worse when I get weak and fight. So now I’m better at being silent. For one thing silence bothers them worse then fighting. Keep that in mind. They hate silence.

  11. She only has as much power over you as you let her have…

  12. Yep, no more contact. It hurts and it sucks, but in the long run that’s the right move for you. You need to protect yourself, and that is more important than any of the rest of this.

    • Thank you DJ! I just changed my cell number so she can no longer contact me. I can however now still Skype with nephews unless she tries to get in there…lol It’s sad that is has to be this way.

      • It is sad. But, I’m glad you are going to try and keep up a relationship with your nephews…
        I have an aunt who is feuding with my family and when she dropped contact with us, we also lost contact with her children (my cousins – who I spent large portions of most summers with as a child). Over the years we’ve tried to bridge the gap but it never seems to happen, which is sad for those of us who weren’t part of the original feud, and sad for those of us who come after (the Little Prince) who will never get to know these wonderful people.
        But, in the end, you must do what is right for you. So, if she sabotages your skype sessions, then I say drop those as well. In time, hopefully your nephew will understand. In time hopefully I’ll develop a relationship with my cousins again.

      • Ugh DJ it’s so yucky eh?! I really do adore those boys and they did know it when they were younger but now, I sense some hostility coming from the one I did talk to…although he is 12 and has the teenage attitude now so it could be just that. The sadest part as you know all to well, is the kids get caught in the middle and I would do almost anything for that not to happen.

      • Yeah, any hostility you sensed was probably not because of you, but because his mom was making him skype in the first place. He probably would have rather been playing video games or something… It was all a set up by your sister…

      • You know I never thought of that, thank you!! It actually makes me feel better!

        I know she’s using them as pawns but I didn’t put that one together! duh!

      • It can be hard to see every angle of these things, especially when there is so much history and emotion vested in the whole affair. That’s part of sharing, right? So we can help you see other aspects, so we can help you on your path of healing. That’s why we are here.

      • Thank you!! I’ve totally felt cared for through this and it’s such a gift!! Back at you too if you ever need it!

  13. I understand 100%, this went almost exactly the way it does with Ali, my grandson being used as a tool. She will text a couple nice greetings then it goes straight into a hellish experience. I am unable to put the feelings into words. They are horrible. Its best to have nothing to do with any of them. She will use the nephew to contact you know.

  14. Al

    I’m not going to go into detail, but I do know where you are coming from, and in my opinion, you are better off deleting her messages the moment they arrive. Don’t even read them. Just delete them. That’s my advice anyway. You are not a bad person, she is

  15. Reblogged this on hastywords and commented:
    I read this and wonder how many relationships are like this one. I know I have experienced it. I know others currently experiencing it. My thought about the children… whether you make an effort or not they will be poisoned against you so you must just let it go until such day in the future God brings you the opportunity to show them the truth. I love you Zoe and I am here to help you stand your ground…as are so many others who adore you!

  16. I appreciate the rawness of your journey and hope that through your love of writing helps in the healing process. I pray God’s grace and mercy is more than enough to cover you and move you beyond this crisis. Remember the joy of the Lord is your strength.

  17. Delilah

    I have watched a similar battle between my mom and her sister. It has always been a strained relationship at best. I finally stepped in because I was tired of being in the middle of their drama. It is so sad, but sometimes you just have to stand your ground to protect yourself and your family.

    • Ugh it is awful. My heart breaks that I have to do this but, history has taught me that it’s the only way. I have now changed my cell phone number so she can’t contact me.

      Sorry you’ve been witness to this yuck!

  18. I am sorry you are going through this. It is a painful and difficult thing. You are doing amazing through it all! You are empowered indeed, you had the strength to Skype knowing the game and to set/keep strong boundaries!!

  19. Hang in there sweetie…. you are SO much stronger than you know.

  20. I understand what this is like for you, I suffer the same with my Mother and my Sister. As much as it is hard I have discontinued all contact with them because my health is more important to me than staying in contact with people who just want to hurt you all the time…..stay strong…..x

    • I’m so very sorry that you have the same battle. It really sucks doesn’t it?! You’re right they really are out to hurt us and often deliberately, my sister learned well from the father.

      • Yes they are out to hurt us. I am sure that they take it out on us because they are themselves maybe depressed, will not admit it or recognise it in themselves, but that is why they are lashing out and hurtful.

      • I agree. My sister is was abused too and in denial. My father endured terrible abuse and although he admits that, he doesn’t believe it’s affected him at all and has “the past is the past” mindset

  21. I am glad you realize your boundaries & are sticking to them before this turns into to cause you even more hurt.

  22. Thank you so much for sharing this, Zoé. It is important for you to take care you of YOU and actually changing your cell number was a big step because it is YOU who did it. Glad your husband is supportive too. Since my divorce my sister has worsened but now I have adult kids who stand up to her if I need it. I choose to just deflect all and stay away from her. I read a poem recently that is helping and thought you might enjoy it too, callled Seeds of Hope You are reaping what you sow here, Zoé…many many people are supporting you. Big hugs, Oliana xx

    • Thank you so much! I’m sorry your sister does the same, but I’m so glad you have support! I’m grateful for my Hubby,but it’s so painful for him too. I do feel somewhat empowered changing my number but scared at the same time. I can’t explain it.

      That poem is really beautiful and truly full of hope! I have been overwhelmed with everyone’s kindness and it’s made it a lot easier than it would have otherwise been. I’m blessed! Hugs to you too. How are you doing? xo

      • Thank you so much for asking, you are so sweet! I’m good but have to watch myself as it is a busy month …long hours and work is heavy with youths calling for more serious issues…depression, abuse, and well, just too much pain. So I’m pacing myself; I totally get your “scared” feeling…I just freeze if I see my sister is at the nursing home when I go visit my mother. Concentrate on the blossoms so the weeds don’;t get so much attention…oh, dear, I just called your sister a weed…{grins}

      • Thank you. Oh wow it sounds intense! I’m glad you are so aware of your needs and willing to care for yourself too. Do you have some fun things away from the abuse that you do?

        I think I would freeze too if I saw my sister, thankfully we live very far away from each other. Thank you for understanding the fear.

        Hee hee I like that, the weed!

      • I think I have a funny poem coming up…only YOU will get the meaning…haha

  23. Hold on tight. You are totally doing the right thing. Huge WeeGee shaped hugs xoxoxo

  24. There is hope Huck. You have come far enough to know what is best. Good for you for being this strong. :)

  25. I have noticed this thing about *boundaries*…with certain people, you can not even give a little because they will always want more than you are comfortable giving and hence there will always be a struggle. Always. I hate saying cut someone off completely, although that is what *I* do. It’s lonely. And it leaves you wondering – a lot. But that tug – the constant struggle with the boundaries when it comes to narcissists, it will never end. I sound like such a negative nancy, but I’ve learned this in dealing with my own reality, I realize it’s harsh, but it’s still a reality. I’ve never seen a cured narcissist since they never believe it’s their fault. That is their nature. I’m sending you strength and warm thoughts.

  26. Pingback: Save the blossoms (haiku) | Traces of the Soul

  27. Sounds like you are being played. I have a simillar situation with a toxic brother-in-law who can turn on the charm just before he attacks (verbally). He is not allowed onto the property any more but he only lives across the road so it’s awkward.

    • Oh yeah she was trying but I put a stop to it. I changed my cell number so she can’t contact me but I can still for now anyway skype with the boys. I’m sure she’ll sabotage that sooner than later too.
      Oh man sorry you’re dealing with a narcissist too. That would be brutal having him live across the street! I live very far away and that’s the best thing I did for myself! They can charm but unlike before, I no longer buy into the charm. They always have an agenda and it’s never good

  28. Im sorry for you.
    I know its so hard.
    Ive tried to stay nice towards some…and you just get screwed. Think o time has past and Im different so they’ll be different …nope …feellike a fool…I scream whats wrong with me? I keep trying and being the (Christian ) and get stomped on…Sometimes I just want to close myself off from everyone so I don’t get hurt.

    • I hear you! It is painful. No one said being Christian means we have to take and or put up with abuse. I knew the sister would do this. I was more prepared this time then ever before but it still hurts. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it too.

  29. This is not okay! Wish there was something constructive I could do to help. I hope it helps to know that so many people care about you.

  30. Pingback: Update on “She’s back and it breaks my heart” | behindthemaskofabuse

  31. I have a toxic sister. I can completely understand your fight to keep your sister out of your life and I agree, it is a hard thing to do. Mine “raised” me and it was her (I believe) negligence that allowed me to be abused for 8 yrs. I just found your blog today and I am so glad I did.

  32. I’m so sorry it’s hard for you. Even though it was filled with “traps”, you at least got to chat with one of your nephews. That is some hope, right? hugs

  33. Keep your guard up and protect yourself from further harm. Your family is the “chosen” family who doesn’t cause you deliberate hurt. As hard as this is, it’s good to have recognized the signs of manipulation and deceit. I know you must question yourself wondering if maybe she has changed, but you did a great job noticing things were still the same. Don’t walk back into the path of danger! You will always hurt because the children are innocent and they are being brainwashed. They will be intelligent enough to figure it out in time … you are NOT at fault and they will recognize what you have done was the right thing. Remember, someday soon they to will be adults. It’s sad we miss these children because of their parents. (I’m making my first attempt at returning on line!) Take care and stay safe.

  34. I am so sorry, Zoe. It is horrible to have to watch every move you make with family members. When I begin to get upset at mine, I, often, think of your situation and I realize how much better mine it – no abuse.
    Praying for you,

  35. Well done! …I can’t think of anything more suitable to say…

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