Update on “She’s back and it breaks my heart”

Narcissist pic

A Narcissist
Zoe G.

A couple of days ago, I blogged about the narcissistic sister shoving herself back into  my life. If you missed that post, you can find it here  Towards the end of the post, I left off with the wonder if my sister’s next text would be one of attack.

Guess what?

It was. I’m so on to narcissistic crap! It was a very subtle attack, and under different circumstances one may not even see it as such but…

I knew this was. I also knew they would only get worse and less subtle over time. She wasn’t wasting much time in getting past her fake “charm” to her attacks.

Her comment was this, “I’m sorry I asked that last question, I hope this doesn’t mean that you’re going to avoid the boys and I now.”

(If you haven’t read the above post, her comment will make sense if you do.)

Do you see what she did there?  I told you she was building a case. She thinks that because I ignored her last comment (Given she was eavesdropping and it was none of her business) I’m now going to avoid her.

In one way, she couldn’t be more wrong, in another she’s right.

She’s right that I’m not going to have any further contact with her period. She’s wrong in thinking that I’m going to avoid the boys. She’s also wrong, and lying to herself if she thinks that one nosey question is why I will no longer have contact with her. Narcissists never see things as their fault. In her mind I’m being petty and, because of one little thing, I’m avoiding her.

The truth is, she’s abusive, and I will not allow her abuse in my life period. That’s my reason for no further contact. I will however still Skype with my nephews until such a time as she sabotages that too.  Make no mistake, she will. They go for the jugular and without a blink of an eye. In the meantime, I will enjoy what time I have left with my nephews. I’m sad that they’re affected and their mother can’t see it, or her part in it. I’m sad that they’re used to hurt me, and as a result they get hurt.

It warrants saying again, narcissists don’t care who they hurt to get what they want, even their own children. They will use their children as pawns.  How very sad and abusive is that?!

So…

Here’s my update. Thanks to some good advice  (TD), I chose to change my cell phone number so that the sister can no longer contact me. It was a hard decision to make, but I was beginning to stress about every text message I got. That’s not good. The  only way to stop a narcissist is to not engage at all. As much as part of me wanted to fight, I knew that it would get me nowhere but more hurt.

Narcissists hate the silence, they need control.

I took the “higher road” out. I cut off all contact, to take care of me.

I left a Skype IM for my nephew so he knows he can still contact me.

I’m now going to pick up the pieces and move on.

I want to thank everyone who has shown me support through this. I felt so loved and cared for. It was a wonderful gift in the midst of the “yuck.”  I don’t know that I would have had the strength to make the right choices if it weren’t for all of you. You made it okay, when my brainwashing screams otherwise. 

Have you dealt with a narcissist? What’s your story?  The more we talk about it, the  less it can be covered up.

There is hope!

88 Comments

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88 responses to “Update on “She’s back and it breaks my heart”

  1. brokenbutbeingrepaired

    Well done for taking the high road, thus ensuring your safety from her abusive behaviour.

    <3

  2. Good going. Hope it turns out ok. hugs.

  3. I know that’s what you had to do… Diane xo

  4. The narcissists in my life, other than family, are stalker or unstable exes. I dropped voice mail off of my phone service a long time ago. If anyone wants to contact me, it is via text, where I can delete and not even have to read the message necessarily. Reading is easier for me than hearing their voices, less manipulative.

    My phone company allows me to block a certain number of phone numbers for up to 90 days each. I did that and after 90 days they didn’t try to call since they didn’t realize it was only temporary. I blocked them on all social media as well.

    The only part I haven’t done with my family yet is the phone number block but I suspect that is coming soon. We shall see when “birthday season” hits again. That is actually worse for me than the holidays we just got through.

    Either way, I am finally making a solid break. I am glad you were able to take these steps for yourself ((hugs)).

  5. I’ve had to change my cell phone number a few times. It’s annoying to be inconvenienced but it is worth it to not have to cringe every time it makes a noise. I’m glad you still have a way to keep in touch with your nephews. Take heart!

  6. ((hugs)) I know it’s a pain in the ass to change your number, but it’s worth it to know you don’t have to deal with her any more. At least, not that way.

  7. I’m so sorry that you have needed to deal with this heart ache and stress, but good for you on doing what you need to do, in order to take care of yourself…

    • Thank you so much, I really hope this is the last time. How are you doing?

      • I got back from my trip and had a very nasty fall on the ice, unfortunately. Nothing was broken, but I was on heavy duty painkillers and told to stay off my feet for a few days so things could start to heal properly. I’m now off the painkillers, so I can think properly and more mobile again, thank goodness.

        The trip was mostly good. Taking a step back from therapy for a couple of weeks (I did have a couple of phone contacts, but no real sessions) seems to have helped me stop stressing quite so much about a few things. We’ll see if I can continue. ;-)

      • Oh my goodness sorry you fell!! I’m glad to hear that you’re recovering though. My Hubby fell in the shower recently and it scared the crap out of me. He’s 6 ft 8 and he didn’t answer when I called him the first time. He was okay too banged up but okay.

        Interesting that stepping back from therapy has lessened the stress. I wonder if the break is just needed something to let our mind and body rest. Therapy as you know is hard painful work.

      • It could have been bad. It was -2F out, I didn’t have my phone on me, no one could have seen me from the road, my husband wasn’t going to be back for over an hour and 1/2, and my daughter was asleep inside. If I had hit my head and knocked myself out, I could have been in deep trouble. It’s sobering being reminded that freak accidents can happen, isn’t it?

      • Wow I”m sooo glad that you didn’t hit your head!!! It is very sobering!

        The girl we have staying with us had quiet the car accident on her 13 hour journey back to our place after Christmas. She and her BF hit some trees and went into a ditch where they couldn’t be seen. People saw the accident and no one stopped. They had to walk a half hour in the bitter cold to get help. They ended up having to trust a stranger to give them a ride. She was also banged up and bruised but okay. Life is precious.

      • No one stopped?!? Or at least called the troopers to come and help?!? That is unbelievable.

      • No isn’t that sad?!! The kids cell phones were out of range too. She was in some shock which might have in a way helped her walk the half hour. They were 6 hours away from us and we didn’t know until after they got help that it had happened.

  8. Changing my cell number was the best thing I did to get rid of the narc. The old email account is in process of being deleted, too. The only way to deal with a narc is No Contact. Sad, but true. Think of your sanity first. Hugs.

  9. Ugh. Sorry you’re having to deal with her crap. People say you have no choice but to deal with family, but I say, you did the right thing. She is not worthy and only makes your life miserable. You don’t have to deal with that. Cut her loose.

    • Thank you! I so did! The worst part is my nephews getting caught in the middle. I had already grieved them, and now they’re back and will probably be taken away again in the not to distant future. :(

      • Yeah, it does indeed suck for them having a mother like her and not having access to an aunt like you. But they have your Skype info, so it’s not a total loss. They need to know this isn’t because of them. First and foremost though, you need to worry about you.

      • I wish I could tell them it wasn’t them but the sister listens to everything. gwack!!

  10. I am so sorry you have a narcissistic in your, especially being your sister who should be someone who you could count on. I am living with a narcissistic husband and have been for the past 42 years. Unfortunately, I denied the abuse until this year when everything I avoided and denied in my life came to realism. I blame myself for just one issue….I let him get away with it. The reason is we had a son who had spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy and I devoted 28 years to his care and denied anything during that time. After seeking help for anxiety and was sent to a therapist did I finally clean out the cobwebs in my head and it all spilled out. I am still living with him but left our bedroom. What ever happens in the future I will be in control…not him. I make the choices for my life…not him. He are both in therapy and time will only tell how it all turns out.

    I pray for your healing and for you to go on with life and be happy.

    • Hello,

      Thank you, my father and sister are narcissists. My mother is abused and bainwashed. So I have no family in my life except my Hubby. ( a very good man)

      I’m so sorry for what you’ve lived through, it horrible, it’s abuse and it’s abuse that the naked eye can’t see. I’m in awe that you’re seeing it now. That’s no easy task. Please don’t beat yourself up for denying it. You did what you had to do to survive and take care of your child..

      I know a couple other bloggers on here who’ve recently escaped narcissistic spouses if you want their blogs, they’re wonderful ladies. I would suggest that even with therapy your husband will not change. Narcissists will not look at themselves, he may go with the mindset the you need fixing. I wish you all the best. I’m here anytime you want to chat. Take care of you, you’re important xo

  11. Glad you have not heard back…and how could you, right? My father was blatantly a narcissist but my sister is more complex. I truly believe she has border personality and having just completed a workshop for this, It has helped me understand more. If I did not work in my field, I would never have had the compassion and understood where she may be coming from. But she is a relative …not a client…and as you know, it is so much harder when they make up things or turn things around to suit them. I am afraid to speak to her because she repeats our conversation but I swear I do not know how she could misconstrue it all the way she does. I know it is her interpretation and I have no control over how she may perceive things. But I am tired of being blamed, accused and treated like a bad person. As she ages she is getting so mean towards me…and I avoid conflict like the plague…(old childhood habits that never ceased). So cutting ties is key. I still love her but choose to love me more and protect myself from being lashed at. I share more in my blog under a pseudonym…it helps to talk about it and get it out. You are doing a great job here sharing but reaching out to so many. Bless you for that…hugs, CL

    • I’m sorry you have the same battle. I love the sister too, but we’ve been raised with so much abuse, it got her, she became them sadly. So like you I can’t allow her in. I blog here under a pen name as well, I don’t use my real one anywhere online. xo

  12. Good on you for not letting her play on your kindness or good nature anymore.

  13. Al

    I am so glad you have done that. She tried to use guilt on you, and I am glad it didn’t work. Great idea from TwinDaddy.

  14. I’m glad things are working out for you. Sounds like a new year is turning for the better because YOU took things into your own hands rather than have someone take happiness away, your well-being and manipulate you with guilt and what not. It’s interesting how each person comes out of an abusive family differently. I like to think that my sister, who is 2 years older, may have seen more and was too young to make some sense to all of this. I love her but do not like her. WE can’t choose family but we can choose how we want to react or not react to them; we can choose our friends and they are family to me as well as my own children and grandchild. I feel blessed and choose to stick to positivity in my life. You are an amazing person, Zoé!! Big hugs to you, Oliana xx

    • Thank you so much!! It is interesting how each person comes out different. I remember knowing really young that something wasn’t right, where as my sister has never seen it. I remember telling the father as a teen that he was controlling and abusive. (How would I know that when it’s all I knew?) I remember telling the mother that he is abusive and she’s being abused and needs to get out as a teen as a teen as well.
      I always thought I was wrong since I was the only one seeing it. Now I know it was a gift to help me get out when I got older. It’s lonely being the only one in the family who see’s it though. You’re right though, we can choose our friends. I’m sorry you have a sister that’s a struggle too. Big hugs back to you. :)

      • My mother left finally and I encouraged her at the age of 13! so I was lucky in many ways..who knew he could still hurt me after he left.But had I not been through my experiences I am not sure I would be the counsellor I am today…I know I would still have empathy but I know they feel that I know…does this make sense?

      • It totally makes sense! I’m so glad you’re mother got out. Oh yes they go out of their way to hurt people, it’s sad and I somewhat pity them.

      • I do feel empathy for my sister. My dad passed and I was there when he died….even took care of him…and forgave him but that fear never left. I supposed we didn’t know much about PTSD when I was younger.

      • What a wonderful gift to give yourself, forgiveness. I understand the fear. No nothing was talked about back then sadly.
        I only learned that I have c-ptsd in the last couple of years and what’s all involved with it. It was somewhat of a relief as it explained a lot of things about me. I understand me better now…lol

      • I am still learning…Many adults who suffer with Fibromyalgia (I do) were victims of child abuse…who knew? So the body and mind are really in sync or in many of our cases …out of sync…hehe

      • Everyone I know with fibro has been through abuse. I’ve always believed there was a connection. It has to come out somewhere. I don’t have fibro but I lost my bladder to IC when I was 28 years old. I wish I had connected things back then. I’m sorry you battle that kind of pain.

      • You are so caring! Thank you! What is IC?

      • this is the short definition http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/interstitial-cystitis/basics/definition/con-20022439

        It caused extreme frequency over 100 times a day and 20xs a night. My bladder shrunk very small and was ulcerated. Having it removed was supposed to help. I still live with the extreme frequency. The main reason I can’t work. I have to be severely dehydrated to go anywhere and that will buy me a max of 15 mins. my whole life is planned around the washroom.

  15. Here’s a little WeeGee hug (((((hug)))))) because you deserve one :-) Well done – you’re awesome xoxo

  16. Dear Zoe,
    I’m so glad you are taking care of yourself, I’m cheering you on from the side lines. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, dealing with my family, before was hard, I also need to stay NOT connected to my half sister. I think it’s hard to understand people like this as, you DON’T think about yourself all the time. These people do ‘whatever’, as long as it suits them, you are a caring , compassionate person and don’t think like this AT ALL. I hope you are being gentle with yourself, as I would think alot of difficult memories would be triggered…..lol
    Sending strength, love and a soft place to fall
    Lots of gentle safe hugs Ziggy

  17. Only you can know what is best for your in your situation, but I’m glad I was able to support you in your decision. Congrats on being strong enough to make the decision so quickly for your best interests!

  18. Good on you! I am visiting a sibling today who is very much like the sister you describe. I am dreading it!

  19. Caring for yourself is very important. I can’t imagine how hard it is on you. You left the door open for your nephews, thats a good thing. Who knows, one day they may need someone to help them when they see the truth. You could be the help they need. Be strong, stay strong. *hugs*

  20. Family, man…
    I wish I had the words but they escape me.
    I’m sending positive vibes your way, though.
    Hang in there.

  21. Yes – I was married to a narcissist and am very familiar with their pathology. Glad to hear that you have taken the steps you need to in order to secure yourself from contact. Extremely hard to do but extremely necessary where these people are concerned.

    • I’m sorry you’ve been there too. It is really really hard but I know you’re right, it’s a must. It just hurts. How are you doing?

      • Thanks. I am doing very well. Every now and then he will try to engage me in contact – he’s just fishing for a bite in the way that narcissists do – and it’s tempting to respond. But all I have to do is remind myself that the moment I do that, he will escalate and will start trying to make me feel awful about myself again. Yes, I agree, it does hurt, but in the long-run, I am better off.

      • I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing well and I understand what your’re saying. It the part of us that wants to believe there’s good, in them or they’ve changed.

  22. You are handling this like a ‘pro’.
    Don’t let them enter your life ever again.
    You are setting the limits. They are not in control.
    You can be proud of yourself!

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