The longing for family

A short note first to update you all on the medication situation. Although there is still a shortage on my medication, I went to another pharmacy and was able to get a months worth of my meds. In the meantime I’ve made and apt. with my doc and I hope to come up with a back up plan in case the shortage continues. Thank you to everyone who has helped and researched for me!  You guys are amazing!

In other news…

I’ve found lately that when I’m watching T.V. shows with a story line about broken families that end up reconciling in the end,  they bring me to tears every time and I don’t cry easily.

I will likely never (Barring a miracle) have the option of reconciling with my family. Apparently I’m in more pain over this than I realize, and these happy ending shows bring out the pain.

I know that’s not always a bad thing but, I have to say that I shut it down pretty quickly because the thought of allowing myself to feel it fully is an unbearable thought. I don’t like to put my Hubby through it either.

I think no matter what a family has done to us, it seems that the longing (Maybe hope) for things to change for the better is always there.

You know, about a year and a half ago Hubby and I bought our first home. Hubby had his family here, and they drove for days to be here. I had no one from my side of the family. They knew we got a house but number one, they wouldn’t have come if I asked, and number two, I couldn’t allow them to anyway if they were willing. There’s too much abuse.

We had also moved away so I didn’t even have any friends to share the joy with.

This stuff hurts a lot. I long to have a family I can share the good and the bad with. My sister even had to rub it in and ask me how it felt to have no one here for me. How nice eh?!

I know we can make those that care family but, the longing to have my blood family will always be there and there’ll always be a level of pain in its regard.

Do you have T.V. shows that cause you to cry because they hit too close to home?

There is hope!

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101 Comments

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101 responses to “The longing for family

  1. I know this doesn’t help when you do happen to catch one of those shows, but realize for every one they film, there is one that they can’t film because it either goes wrong or there is a refusal to reconcile (right or wrong).

    I’ve shared on here before that I am done with my family. The way I was treated after the Christmas holiday was the last straw. I am not looking to move and literally start my life over.

    Will I be alone? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes, but nothing compared to knowing that the last relatives I have live fifteen minutes away and think nothing of me (and like to remind me when they do interact). I would rather deal with the stress of loneliness than the stress of never being what they want.

    But it just isn’t fair that the ones that we are actually bonded to are the ones that ruin that love. That’s one of those things that is supposed to be unconditional, not full of distrust and hurt.

    (((Hugs))) sorry for rambling. I am glad you have a temporary plan in place for the med situation.

  2. Well, I can’t drive to your house, but you know you can share things with me, Zoe. You’re like the annoying older sister I never had…until I met you.

  3. Ecstatic to hear about the meds!

    I occasionally cry at an exceptional Dr Who epsiode.
    But then, I think it’s clear I have issue.

    (Yeah, sorry, I got nothin. Hopefully a chuckle helps a bit, and my unending support.)

  4. Glad you got your meds. I am sad that your family doesn’t give you the things you need. Hugs, Brenda

  5. I’m just a weepy kind of guy. I cry over TV shows and movies and songs. But, not because they hit too close to home, but because they are beautiful and they show us what we can work towards, they show that it is possible to overcome the greatest odds. It is those triumphs that cause my eyes to start leaking.
    I wish I had a solution for you. I would love to argue that blood family is no more important than anyone else you choose to see as family – it is the commitment that is important. So, in many cases people who aren’t blood relatives can be more like your real family than the people who are, because they choose to spend their lives with you instead of being forced to through familial relations. But, I understand what you are saying. Unless you have friends in your life from when you were a child, you don’t have anyone that has known you from the beginning… you don’t have those shared experiences, you don’t have that instant connection.
    But, in time you can forge all of that with new people. You can create a new family where you are now and in a couple years you will look back at the moment when you moved into your house as the starting point for your current family.
    There IS hope, my friend.

    • Awww your eyes leak!

      I understand what you’re saying. I had made some good friends where I used to live and leaving them was so painful.

      Where I live now, I hope not to be for too long. Although our house is here, this area is in no way home for us. (Does that make sense) It’s hard to think about making new friends here when I know we won’t be staying..not to mention people are just mean here.
      There is hope though and I will get through this. We still have close friend that we keep in contact with from where I was born and raised. Wish the could move here! lol

      Right! Hope!

  6. The ones I tend to cry over are when a couple stops being in love.

    Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t been by lately. I’ve just had a very triggering week. I spent the past week working myself up to and actually writing the post where I tell the full story about me and Mr. X. I plan to publish it on Saturday. In the meantime, I’m having to climb out of the hole I’ve flung myself into as a result. Thanks for the hope. I need it right now.

  7. I cry at tv shows and commercials. Not necessarily because it hits close to home. But emotions can so easily be portrayed. And just as easily picked up on. You’re in tune to emotions Huck.

  8. I’m glad you were able to find some meds. As for family, I am the happiest far away from mine. The few times I went back to try to live, they were so judgmental and negative, that I moved again. Now I’m in Canada and happy (they are in Wisconsin).

  9. That’s good news about your meds. As for family, I can relate, I think for myself, I still grieve family, as a ‘soft place to fall.’ I do feel some hope as I recently connected with with great Aunt, who lives only 45 minutes away, that’s been helpful….it is still painful to not be able to ‘go and share ‘ with family. There is hope, although it’s different, there are LOTS of people in this space including me, that support and care for you. Sending love and gentle hugs….lol
    Love Ziggy

    • Thank you Ziggy. You are the sweetest ever! That’s great news that you’ve been able to connect with a great Aunt!! I hope it ends up being a wonderful and freeing connection for you a safe one! Sending you love too xo

  10. I usually only get this way when I see Christmas movies where everyone is so happy because the whole family gets together. I think it’s because I love Christmas & Kelvin & I have spent so many of them all alone. I think I’ve reconciled myself to being alone then I get teary-eyed over a sappy Christmas movie.

  11. uh… you have a family… as long as I am around… sniff…

  12. I’m glad things got sorted with the meds, Zoe.

  13. Sorry your family sucks, but blood isn’t everything. The family you choose is sometimes much better, much nicer, and much more understanding.

    But glad you got more medicine!

  14. I can’t think of a particular show but anything….show or song or post that is about the special relationship between mother and daughter…puts me to tears… I’m so sorry for the pain that you have ….. Diane

  15. grovewithin

    I read your posts all the time, though we have never met I feel for you so much…but at times I want to yell out to you and say blood does not define family…look to the people who have nothing but love for you…that is family. And remember those faces to remind you what truly defines love and family. Sorry, hope I’m not too harsh…but these words come from the heart:)

  16. I’m sorry about your family, Zoe. Family is very important to me. I can’t but live absolutely within it. Hope things work out with the meds.

    No TV shows. But first time I watched a movie called The Thin Red Line, I lost it. Hard to explain why. It’s a war movie… sort of. But I lost it, and never looked back.

  17. complicatedwaltz

    TV usually doesn’t make me cry, but seeing an adult daughter and mother shopping together does.
    I’m here if you want to talk!

  18. I feel there is a difference between loneliness… and being alone. Do you?

  19. Watching family interact, it makes me happy. Knowing that I’m “family” and not included as long as no one wants something…well. I’m.sorry, Zoe.

  20. Yes, the longing for family is built-in, and despite what people say, I think there ARE families who are at least semi-stable and loving. It’s kind of amazing, when I think about it, that I’m not particularly close to anyone in my family, yet I am/was able to be close to my kids. To steady myself when I’d get scared because I felt so alone, I’d say to myself, “It’s okay, I have Philip, I have Natalie. They are my family.” Another horrid, jarring aspect of Philip’s death – losing half of what so comforted me. Except I didn’t really “lose” him, he’s just not here in the way that I want to “have” him. So I try to stay focused on the moment, because it’s the fantasy I have about family that’s wrenching, not the reality of my day-to-day life without them.

    • That’s it, it’s built in and then for me very ingrained through religion and the ever present saying in my family “Family does for family.” Lots of guilt attached to that saying. No one does it because they want to, they do it because they should.

      It would be horribly painful for you to add in that your children are your comfort/family and to have half of that taken away. I wish it weren’t so for you. Sending you support and love xo

  21. Zoe when i read this post it so feels just like my family who play this on/off game ….the pain u experience is so horrible im sorry ,wish i was near !
    miss our chats lots love lis

    • I’m sorry you get this from your family too. None of mine is allowed in my life anymore. That last contact with my sister was it. She turned it on me very quickly.

      Oh man Lisa I’ve been so bad at getting to Skyping. I’m sorry. It’s nothing at all personal. I think I have a struggle around it going on but I don’t know why. I always have. I’ll chat with you when I can. If you want to keep in touch via email we can xo

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