Not a father a sperm donor

Father’s Day reminds me that I don’t have a father who is in my life. It reminds me that I have a sperm donor who is a narcissistic sociopath. I have a sperm donor, who has only ever thought of himself and his own needs.  He’s done nothing but rip me down. When I was down, then he’d trample me mercilessly with a smile on his face and rage seething through that smile.

He’s never once taken a look at himself. He blames me for the family break, he’s brainwashed the rest of the family into believing the same. He’s a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and a deceiver.

So you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t say much about these stupid Hallmark celebrations. I don’t have a father, I have a sperm donor. It takes a hell of a lot more than making a baby to be father. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh today, but it’s my truth and reality. I’m sure sadly many share this with me.

Father’s day also brings with it deep heartache for my Hubby. We were unable to have children. Hubby dreamt of being a father. My heart aches for him on this day, although I know he’ll put on a smile and call his father and go on with the day as if it’s nothing to him, he hurts and I know it.

Quite frankly, if I did have a good father I wouldn’t need a Hallmark day to tell him how I feel. It would be easy to tell him any day.  Father’s day reminds me of the longing in my heart to have a dad that I could go to when I need him. To share the big events in my life both happy and sad, but I don’t. That never stops hurting, although I deal with it.

Despite all the above, I do think of him and wish that he knew that. He never will. He’s to busy blaming me for all that’s wrong.

To all of you who have good fathers, are good father’s or both, I wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. You have a precious gift. I hope you enjoy your day with each other.

To all of you who don’t, please know that my heart goes out to you, you’re not alone.

There is hope.

72 Comments

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72 responses to “Not a father a sperm donor

  1. Hugs to both of you. We are all connected, and our pain is shared. I wish you joy this difficult day, joy in remembering you have each other.

  2. I stopped speaking to mine because he was a violent abusive man. Best decision I ever made and I’ve never regretted it. I’m sorry that you’re hurting and that you’ve had to go through all that.

    • I’m very sorry you were forced to do that too. I don’t regret my choice to not allow them in my life either. I don’t think we ever stop longing for what we wish was.

      Sending you support today too. xo

  3. I thoight about you this morning. I haven’t spoken with mine in almost twenty years, so I understand the feeling today.

    I don’t begrudge those who recognize their fathers or father figures today, but the way it has become a competition in some ways to show off really gets to me. I already signed off twitter today, getting ready to close out everything else until tomorrow at least.

    ((hugs))

  4. It hurts me to know that there are people like you out there who never had a good father figure in their lives. The same feeling I have on Mother’s Day when I realize the same thing applies to those who had less than wonderful memories of their moms. Unfortunately there are both in this world who offered little in the way of parenting and failed miserably at it. I am always cautions on these “hallmark” holidays because I know that my experiences are so unlike those of many others. To folks like you I offer my love and acceptance of how you have had to live your life with a less than perfect role model. Hugs to you today.

    • Thank you Beth Ann that really means a lot. I’m truly happy for you that you have not had this experience. I don’t wish it on anyone.

      I hope that you have a wonderful day. :)

  5. I miss my dad today, it’s been 28 years now. My daughters father is a sperm donor, too. I feel for her…although she did make my husbands day by giving him a card. Sometimes a father doesn’t need to be blood kin.
    I am standing with you today, Zoe, like you have been standing by me all this time when I am at my darkest. I love you, my dear friend. (Hugs)

  6. I’m sorry for your pain Huck. And your loss, because it is a loss. I hope you, instead, celebrate today for yourself and your Hubby for the joys in your life. The joys YOU created and but upon.

  7. I’ll say this hoping I won’t sound offending…. You give your heart out to the fatherless and you give them hope. But you yourself seem to be restless…. If I’m not wrong, you are very much disturbed… Maybe you too need some one to support…. I mean I feel you are not understanding yourself completely…. Because your writings seem as if you are trying to be someone else but not what you originally are feeling…. Most obliged to be corrected if I am wrong…. 😊

    • I’m not sure I understand correctly but I think what you’re trying to say is that I talk about hope, but don’t have it myself?

      If so I think everyone no matter who you are goes through pain, grief and heartache in their lives. What I’m doing is being real about how I feel and what I go through. I don’t pretend to be okay when I’m not. I think this is what people can relate too.
      Does that make sense? It is a painful day for me as is mother’s day.
      In general though I do not like Hallmark holidays.
      I will enjoy my day with Hubby despite our heartache.

  8. I am sorry you have this experience. My father was an awful person for most of his life. I always think of my husband and my ex-husband on father’s day. My children have a sperm donor, a dad and a step-father, so I think they are doing okay. You are brave to post this today and I applaud you. I, too, hate seeing all this love for father, that I just don’t really feel. Thanks for the post.

  9. I wasn’t ever able to celebrate Father’s Day growing up…. and I so wish things were different… but alas it was what it was. I didn’t have to contend with abuse though growing up… and that would have been definitely harder. In that regard I was better off that he wasn’t in my life… Diane

  10. Dear Zoe,
    I didn’t grow up with a father either, so I relate to your pain. Even though ‘down under’, we celebrate ‘Fathers’ Day’ in September, there’s a different pain on this day as he has passed. That leaves me without hope of any love from a father. Like you have said..wishing all those good fathers and those who have them, a happy day..lol
    love Ziggy

  11. Sorry this has to be such a hard day for you & hubby! I will call my Dad & sent him an e-card. I’ve forgiven him & I love my father, but I haven’t forgotten.

  12. I’m sorry that this day brings you ill feelings, Zoe. It does for me too because my father is no longer here. He died when I was five years old & he was an amazing man.
    Even though I know this was hard for you – I’m certain you are helping others through your courage.
    *hugs*

  13. It is hard to go to the card section and read the lines on a card and say ..nope,you werent that,you didnt do that, you werent there for me like that..and Im not about to praise you with lies..so instead you grab the humorous card….that gets you off the hook….

  14. So sorry, Zoe, I know of the rift between you and your father, and it’s so sad that you miss out on that relationship. He sounds like a douchebag. Would send you a hug if I could – hope you and the hubby enjoyed the weekend anyhow.

  15. Pingback: A Real Father VS a Sperm Donor | The Buzz Kill

  16. I think it’s because my father was mostly absent in my life that Father’s Day is a blip to me. Unless someone tells me directly, I have no clue that it’s that Hallmark day. I don’t even know if he’s still alive. I feel blessed that I have a good relationship with my mother, though. She appreciates my very sick sense of humor.

  17. Well, you may have a shitty father, but you still have a loving family…including a baby brother trooper stateside. Don’t make me come up there and give you noogies.

    • Thank TD! Your post actually inspired me to do this one.

      • I’m sorry to hear that. As I said in mine, I know there are people who have it worse, and you’re one of them.

      • I know you said that but you know…abuse is abuse it’s all bad and you lived through it too. Your pain is as bad to you as mine is to me.

      • I honestly don’t feel that much pain about it anymore. Just annoyance and irritation, really. I just felt like I needed to explain my relationship, especially to those who know I don’t have favorable feelings towards my father, but didn’t know why.

        Also, I thought people might be curious as to why, in all the years I’ve been blogging, I’ve never dedicated a post to my dad on Father’s Day.

      • You don’t connect depression to it at all?

      • Depression is depression. I’d have it no matter what. Though, the move from Cincy to Atlanta is what triggered my first episode and how I was initially diagnosed.

  18. Shelah

    I can relate to your pain (victim of childhood abuse–at the hands of my father) but I can also assure you that healing is possible!! I hope you’ll read my article, “Who is the narcissist in your life?” http://www.theopenjar.com and let me know your thoughts. Light & love, Shelah

    • I’m truly sorry that you’ve been there too. I’m in the healing process through therapy :)

      • Shelah

        Yup…I spent a great deal of my life in therapy on and off. Makes relationships difficult. The reason why healing from abuse is so difficult is because we lose a connection with ourselves. We feel shame, broken, and like we are beyond healing. It’s not the abuse that damages us as much as the lost relationship with ourselves. Healing is possible!! There is “the other side.”

      • I truly believe that. You are doing well now?

  19. Shelah

    I am doing great! I credit the teachings of Louise Hay and finding a spiritual path through embracing radical forgiveness. She has a bunch of affirmations on audiobooks that have been really helpful. I’ve also done a lot of her guided meditations for anger releasing/forgiveness that have been invaluable in my journey. That slow burning emotional pain I used to carry with me everywhere is just gone. It’s been replaced with love and gratitude for all I’ve learned.

  20. Women need to pick men carefully if they intend to invite the possibility of having children.

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