Father’s Day reminds me that I don’t have a father who is in my life. It reminds me that I have a sperm donor who is a narcissistic sociopath. I have a sperm donor, who has only ever thought of himself and his own needs. He’s done nothing but rip me down. When I was down, then he’d trample me mercilessly with a smile on his face and rage seething through that smile.
He’s never once taken a look at himself. He blames me for the family break, he’s brainwashed the rest of the family into believing the same. He’s a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and a deceiver.
So you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t say much about these stupid Hallmark celebrations. I don’t have a father, I have a sperm donor. It takes a hell of a lot more than making a baby to be father. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh today, but it’s my truth and reality. I’m sure sadly many share this with me.
Father’s day also brings with it deep heartache for my Hubby. We were unable to have children. Hubby dreamt of being a father. My heart aches for him on this day, although I know he’ll put on a smile and call his father and go on with the day as if it’s nothing to him, he hurts and I know it.
Quite frankly, if I did have a good father I wouldn’t need a Hallmark day to tell him how I feel. It would be easy to tell him any day. Father’s day reminds me of the longing in my heart to have a dad that I could go to when I need him. To share the big events in my life both happy and sad, but I don’t. That never stops hurting, although I deal with it.
Despite all the above, I do think of him and wish that he knew that. He never will. He’s to busy blaming me for all that’s wrong.
To all of you who have good fathers, are good father’s or both, I wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. You have a precious gift. I hope you enjoy your day with each other.
To all of you who don’t, please know that my heart goes out to you, you’re not alone.
There is hope.